"It's Like Three Massagers In One"

They were advertised in the early 1900’s in women’s magazines and even in the Sears catalog. (The Sears catalog!) They were, of course, “relaxation aids.” The new ads, or what we probably think are new ads, COUGHsexualCOUGH historian Rachel Maines says, “They come very close to telling you what it is good for” without quite doing so.

You see, in Connecticut back when I worked in a drugstore, certain items used only by men during times of manly and womanly intimacy, otherwise known as “banging her ears off,” were illegal. They could be used only to prevent disease. So customers would ask the pharmacist, rather than us kids. “May I see the pharmacist” meant “gimme a rubber.”

Anyway, the current ads for little buzzers, which leave your hands free for driving the car or making tea or helping pass the time during a boring class, are not really mentioning whatever they are. “Has life got you stressed out? Want to have some fun? Side effects may include screams of ecstasy and intense waves of pleasure.”

No Fun Allowed: Alabama, Georgia, Texas, Mississippi, Louisiana, Kansas and Virginia. Better not get caught buying a Double-A battery at your local RadioShack store and mentioning your husband/boyfriend is out of town for the week. You can marry your sister in some of those states, but you can’t use a Tri-Phoria.

“Ma’am, I see you are alone and smiling. That is probable cause in this state that you are up to something illegal. You have the right to remain smiling … uh, silent…”