In Relation To What?

Hell: A popular reference point. “Funny as hell,” we toss off. I don’t know about that; it’s hard to think of anything about hell that’s funny. “Funnier than hell” makes sense, as everything is. Being crucified, covered with pitch and set on fire while having your innards ripped out is certainly funnier than hell.

Cold: I was in the Caribbean a few years ago and a shopkeeper said it was cool that morning. As far as I could tell, that meant it was probably around 65 degrees. I told her we had an ice storm when I left home; no doubt she had no idea what that meant, as the only ice she’d seen was in a glass of hootch.

Speed: My piano teacher thought 40mph was about as fast as anyone ought to go, including on Interstate highways. And that was as fast as she went. She could play the “Minute Waltz” in thirty seconds flat, but that was the only time she would speed. It would be nice to stick her in an Indy car for a few spins around the oval.

Quiet: Best definition I’ve heard is a cat walking across a thick stuffed down blanket on a feather bed. You may have your own. I think on a decibel meter this would not register; even placed inches away, it would hardly move the needle. It makes moonrise sound like a cannon going off.

The Greatest: Very individual. Whatever comes along that matches our needs of the moment or a lifetime. A singer, a girl/boy friend, an excellent dinner.