Man Shoots His Lawnmower

Item --MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin (AP) -- A 56-year-old Milwaukee man is accused of shooting his lawn mower because it wouldn't start. Keith Walendowski has been charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed. Walendowski says he was angry because his Lawn Boy wouldn't start Wednesday morning. He told police: "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want." A woman who lives at Walendowski's house reported the incident. She says he was intoxicated.

That must have been something to see. We’ve all been there, but even though we’ve had the motive, we’ve really not had (a) the means or (b) the opportunity. This fellow, bolstered by That Courage Which Comes In A Bottle, and possessed of something which offers easy answers to life’s complicated questions, simply hauled off and let the lawnmower have it.

My guess is the perpetrator never maintained the victim to the point where the Party of the Second Part was thus unable to perform to the satisfaction of the Party of the First Part. Had the perp done his job, the victim could have done its job and bloodshed (or, more correctly, oilshed) would not have happened.

Will we hear of a march of avenging lawnmowers? Will the rotary blades of a hundred Lawn Boys tear this murderer to shreds, with little to remain except what can be found in the compost bag? Karma, Keith; Karma.