What Name Do We Give The Baby?

My brother was named after his father, middle name and all. I was to be named after the saint on whose day I was born; that was all well and good, except I came real early and ended up on some African saint's day. That wouldn't do, so I was named after two brothers who were close family friends.

You see, in the Catholic Church, you have to be named after a saint. Any one will do, just as long as it's a saint's name. You may really be named after your aunt or uncle, some close friend or a currently-popular entertainer; as long as there was a saint with that name, you are home safe. If your first name is Moon Unit or Dweezil, your middle name had to be a saint's ... just sneak it in there somewhere.

So the parents go through the book of baby names and, I am sure, often the grandmothers stick their pointed noses in there and make some pointed demands, as well. There is the kid, stuck with some ancient uncle's 1870's name: Ebeneezer Socrates Cooper, for instance. (I do, in fact, know someone whose father wanted, and got, a son named Socrates.) Or something nuts, like musician Frank Zappa’s kids in the previous paragraph.

Our name is, really, the only thing we have. We might run through half a dozen or more cars in our lifetime, we might have many addresses and as many jobs; everything about us may change, but the one constant is our name. We can change it, but someone will know us "before." We meet; "You're Wilda Carten? Weren't you Wilda Vail before you married?" Or the newspapers will say, "Rap artist KK5 (real name Joe Smith) was arrested...."

Why not ask the baby about to be born? Ok, the kid's not about to answer, but you and your Significant Other can sit back on the couch and say, "What do you think the Little One would like to be called when he or she is a teen or an adult?" Do you think they'd like to be saddled with your identity from day one, or would they like to start out with their own? How will the cute, unique spelling go over in the professional world 25 years from now? Well, ask yourselves -- would you want to be stuck forever with what you're going to hang on your kid?

I always wondered what happened to Socrates Fronhofer. I see an arm wrestling champion from his state on the Internet; it’s probably him, so apparently he's ok with the name.