I Don't Think They Really Meant This

Item: The Firwood United Methodist Church will be honored Sunday when Rev. Horace King, pastor of nine years, will deliver his final sermon.
Ok, we all know what they mean, but they could have phrased it differently.

Item: Hottle’s Restaurant. Crab Cakes, Maryland Style, Delicately seasoned Jumbo Lump Crap served with a light mustard sauce.
The last time I had a jumbo lump crap, I needed a plunger.

Item: Isaiah Pritchard of Plymouth died at Mercy Hospital. He was a member of St. Stephen’s Church and served as a sextant.
That congregation will never lose its way.

Item: “Project Rachel” is for women who have had an abortion each Monday evening at 7 o’clock.
I can’t even imagine a woman having an abortion each Monday night. Must have the gestation period of a fruit fly.

In many Catholic and Protestant churches during Holy Week, there are two ritual services: Washing of Feet and veneration of the True Cross.
Item: St. Clement’s Church. Holy Thursday, Washington of Fleet. Good Friday, Relic of the Truce Cross.
That’s in Philly, where I guess they do things differently.