The World's Shortest-Held Record

Normally, you hold the record for a number of years, or a season, or some reasonable length of time. Gertrude Baines held it from January until mid-September of this year when she passed it on to Kama Chinen by the simple matter of passing on. She was the oldest person in the world after Maria de Jesus died in Portugal.

Nobody expects Ms. Kama to hold on to the title, if, in fact, she can hold onto anything at her age, very long. The best we’ve done around here is a 108-year-old woman who put down a can of Coor’s Light every day; her family gave her a case of the stuff for her birthday that year and she polished it off before she died a few months later.

Can you imagine if the family of the Oldest Person had to ship the certificate to the Next Oldest when the current holder passed on to meet the Eternally Oldest Person In the Next Life? That piece of paper might arrive just minutes after the recipient had also gone on to newspaper-item glory. You don’t get bragging rights too long at 115.

“So, what did Mrs. Baines die of?”
“She was 115.”
“Yes, but what did she die of?”
“I just told you: She was 115. At that age, what does it matter?”

I think at 115 (or anything over 90) you should be able to die of whatever you want. Heart, stroke, impotence, whatever; it’s your business at that point.