Birth Control Glasses

I had heard of the phrase “Birth Control Glasses” some time back and knew it meant some sort of dorky frames that made you look equally dorky. Then, while researching for my Sunday music column, I ran across it again, this time referring to the glasses worn by the pianists Ferrante and Teicher (the latter, a local native, just passed away).

Turns out it originated with low-cost, durable glasses issued by the military; those of the Air Force being thick, black horned-rimmed frames described as so ugly “they make the person wearing them equally unappealing to the opposite sex, so there is virtually no danger of the person impregnating or getting impregnated,” as someone said.

The Navy’s explanation for the name is, “it would be impossible to get a date while wearing these glasses.”

“Think Drew Carey, but worse,” one person joked. Another called them “Clark Kents.” In civilian life, it’s said they are for those nights that you want to absolutely ensure that you will sleep alone.

This is, of course, not to be confused with a “birth control haircut,” says the Urban Dictionary. “When a person has a haircut so bad, no one will want to have sex with them, hence it makes good birth control.”

And those are two methods we know the Church will approve.