Use A Separate Sheet, If Necessary

My head reels with incomprehension (ok, sometimes I wonder) about people who get all riled up over things that they would never experience in a lifetime. Or, perhaps, might not experience.

I belong to the main cruiseship message board on the Internet. On it, the hopes and fears of all the years come out to dance at night. Current score: fears 100, hopes 1. I’m always running into people who haven't cruised and won't. Why? "People are missing all the time and I don't want to be the next one." When you point out that the number is not only very tiny, but the missing aspect is usually obvious (and the tv shows are digging up old events dramatically), it doesn't matter.

When "Poseidon" came out, some people expressed doubt about the safety of ships in the certainty that a rogue wave would take one out. I'm just waiting for "Snakes on a Plane" to hit the theaters; we'll be getting people worried that wild animals might be present on the ships. "Lions on a Cruise: It's their turn for a buffet."

When I was small, it was Communists. We knew how to spot one, courtesy of the "Little Orphan Annie" comic strip: They called each other "Comrade." I lived in an area with a high number of Russians and never heard them address each other that way, so we were safe. But there was a big Red Scare across the country and everyone knew somebody who knew a Communist.

For a while, we were afraid of fluoride in our water supply. It cut down on cavities in kids, but was just another Russian plot to poison everybody and take over the country. Rat poison, you know. It's done wonders for our kids' dental health and the Evil Empire has collapsed.

I wish all these people would write their fears down on a piece of paper. Use a separate sheet, if necessary. Save it for ten years, then check it again.

One more thing: If you are an Imminent Rapture person, send me all your money. You won't need it when Jeeesus comes in his limo tonight to pick you up.