Thursday, August 27, 2009

60,000 Hood Ornaments A Year

“I see you’re from Pennsylvania. You have some of those pretty useless deer whistles on your front bumper (which also work equally well for scaring elephants away) and I heard you bagged an 8-pointer with your last car. That big Freightliner 18-wheeler picked off two in a row last week; guy said it’s not safe for him to swerve.”

Unless and until we loose packs of wolves and hyenas into the woods of William Penn, the deer will keep doing what deer do naturally. Don’t mistake it for some sort of Walt Disney nature film. “Bambi Does Northeast Pennsylvania” isn’t so much a guide book as a memoir originally titled, “Bucks for Bucks.”

We knock them a-hole over teakettle at the rate of 60,000 a year in Our Fair Commonwealth. The exceptions are the Old Order Amish, downstate, whose buggies never get to ramming speed. Generally, the deer power down and pace the horses, chatting with them as they clop along the dusty roads.

60k a year and we still have hunting season. One would think we’re wiping out the beasts, yet they keep sipping wine in the candlelight after dropping Cialis.

The first day of hunting season is a holiday around here for the school kids. They aren’t going to show up anyway, so why bother? Many of them grew up with hunting rifles and are out in the woods earlier than they usually get up for school (huh) and with less fuss (again, huh). Amendment 2a: Arm the deer, even it up.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhhhhh, a great source for Roadkill Chili. Good ol' ''I-84 Red'', can't beat it.

Exit 318

August 28, 2009 3:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you ask nicely, I'll let you know where you can buy Pennsylvania Road-Kill Scrapple. It's to die for! Remember, it's sure to tastes great when it's peeled from an interstate.

August 28, 2009 4:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Makes me glad that I'm a vegetarian!

August 29, 2009 9:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, Tom can vouch for it, but if I find fresh roadkill (deer) it goes into my truck. The last one wegot51 lbs. of venison. My podnah's son has a small dressing business.

But if you're going to use old roadkill, it is better to get at least 5 lbs. of meat that way you know you won't be eating skunk, dog or whatever. I have story on that, Tom want me to post it?

Exit 318

August 29, 2009 6:15 PM  
Blogger Tom Carten said...

Go right ahead. Nothing like a good Cdn story.

August 29, 2009 8:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Really have to share this story with you, as it is pertinent to my lifestyle…in a way.

On my way home from work one day, (yes, I was at one time legally and gainfully employed), and as we drove off the highway I saw a freshly hit deer laying there so upon arriving home, two minutes from there, I called my podnah and we met at the designated spot where we tossed it into the drainage ditch to be a tad less visible from the general public..

Now picking up roadkills can be ticklish in that your choice to grab it or leave it has to be made really fast, before the cops come by at which time they will call the game warden. The wardens are in no hurry though because they know that the longer they wait, the better the possibility that someone like us will haul off the carcass, thus saving them a job. You have to remember now that they are government employees and government employees are not supposed to sweat. Also the game wardens here are all ex-poachers who, because of their unlawful talents had been offered this soft job after the court judge sort of twisted their arms a bit. Ah, the crows…..gotta get to the animal before the crows.

So, we ‘’emptied’’ the kill and brought it to my podnah’s place and hung it in his shed and a few days later we wound up with 22 kilos of venison. We tanned the hide and I sent an email to Brigitte Bardot offering her a superbly well-tanned hide for a extremely reasonable price as the head was somewhat out of shape after losing a right-of-way to a vehicle. She never replied, so I guess that either someone else had beat me too it, or that she had enough pelts laying around as it was.

OK,. Now, if there had been several of my good ol’ boys sitting around the fire practicing our fibricating and keeping our whistle wet, the same story would have gone something like this:

‘’Hey man, remember that doe we picked up in back of my place? You know the one that weighed in a 110 kilos.’’

‘’Oh, that one, I thought you were talking about the three-legged one that my neighbour hit. Yeah, I remember it that was a big one.’’

‘’Guys I tell you this doe had just got tagged by a truck and I got the license plate number so that after we brought the deer out that I could call him and give it back to him, but I gave the paper to him (pointing to my podnah) and he lost it. Anyway just as we were loading it into the pickup, the cops came by and asked us if we had seen a deer that had been hit. Before I could answer, he ( my podnah), suddenly found the paper and gave the license plate number to the cop and said that the guy took off with it…

‘’Gimme another beer, would ya? Thanx’’

‘’Ok to continue, we brought to his place and hung it. It was so heavy that the rafter cracked, a bit of blood seeped through the floor boards and a family of raccoons moved in, and luckily we got the thing down before the coons got into the shed, because the dog next door was going wild.’’.

‘’That was on a Friday. Tuesday we skinned and dressed it. We never knew what happened but fellas, you won’t believe this, but after dressing it, we weighed out the meat and we had exactly..exactly, 100 kilos! ‘’

Strange things happen in sheds, things disappear, other things show up. The game warden showed up because of a complaint and my pod told him that the blood stains were from a raccoon which had gotten caught by the dog. Finally we convinced him of the mishap and as he left he almost forgot his steaks…..And that’s the honest truth’’

‘’Anymore beer left?…’’

Exit 318

August 30, 2009 6:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In this one, you need fresh roadkill.....well as fresh as possible, as long as the crows ain't peckin' out the eyes and it ain't too bloated. It has to have been bled too. However most of them who are hit and dragged by an 18-wheeler are pretty well bled out.

In this recipe I need three pounds of chili ground meat. I use three pounds for several reasons. Naturally you make a bigger batch, but you can freeze it. But even more important, with three pounds of meat you can be sure that the roadkill is not a dog, a fox, an armadillo or whatever.

I set up my kitchen outside and do it in a big old Dutch oven on my a propane-fired burner, however I prepare it inside. we go....

3 lbs. chili ground meat.
2 onions
2 cloves of garlic
3 tbsps cooking oil
"Pantry Peppers" ( That's what I have handy in the pantry.....)
My own ground cumin
2 tbsps of my own chili powder
2 big cans of tomatoes. mebbe 3 cans, just in case.
Beans (optional)
1 case of beer, iced down in a cold box.
...and I'll add on as I go along.......

Brown the meat, the onions and garlic together using the cooking oil to keep from sticking. Once browned, add a couple of cans of tomatoes, the chili powder, cumin and the peppers.

A word here about the peppers. I like chipoltes (Is that spelled right?) and I'll also throw in a few jalapenos and occasionally a regular bell pepper, which will be browned with the meat, onions and garlic. Rule of the thumb, the thinner the shoulders of the perpper, the hotter they are. Anchos give a good taste also. It's all about what you've got hanging around in the pantry.

OK. the tomatoes, if you think it is not liquid enough, put in another can of tomatoes, you can always thicken the brew with masa farina (Well, you know what I mean). Use salt to taste. This is the basic chili.

Now I bring it outside and fire up my burner. This is where the TLC comes in. Bringing it to a boil, I let it simmer on a very low fire, uncovered. The secret here is the music. I put on a bit of Delta Blues, Robert Johnson, Mississippi Fred McDowell, something those lines, as the potion is in its early stages and I want something a bit laid back so as not to make it too agressive too early. Crack a beer. Pour half a bottle in the brew, to let it know that it is welcomed in your home. creating an ambience which will blend the taste and the love together, making this one a culturally acceptable pot of gold.

As the process advances, so will the music. Yeah I know chili is of Texas origins and not Delta or Loosiana origins, so you could try out a Smokin' Joe Kubek or Doug Sahm, but I always keep a CD of Gary P. Nunn handy, as he says it pretty good. He's a chili person.

The neighbors will drop by as I said, they will be curious, they will ask questions, drink your beer but that's all right, because when they leave they will, as we say up here, go to sleep a bit more wiser. Today they will have learned that this gastronomical orgasm is one of the best kept culinary secrets around. They will have learned that cooking with TLC is a "must". You don't give it a beer, you don't talk to it, you don't help it out along the way, you might as well go down to the local market and buy a can, and not waste an afternoon fussing.

A half hour before it is done, if you care to, you may add your beans, which have been prepared beforehand. With this recipe I prefer pinto beans, altho I usually use turtles, these pintos seem to be very compatible with "mowed down venison"

Enjoy your meal....
Exit 318

August 30, 2009 6:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said... is very informative. The article is very professionally written. I enjoy reading every day.
payday loans no fax
payday loan

November 24, 2009 8:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Online personal loan payday loans cash. [url=]business cash advance loans review[/url] If the estate is unable to. The best first american cash advance sources. Easy Money Utah cash advance ratings history post and read Easy Money Utah. Magnum Cash Advance offers lower rates and no faxing required. It39s a cash advance paid against Visa or MasterCard transactions you accumulate.

January 20, 2010 12:39 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home