(1) I bought a so-called "Atomic Clock" at the local RadioShack store the other day. It's not really atomic and it won't blow up if I count down from ten. It keys into a signal broadcast from a low-frequency station set up by the National Bureau of Standards. Among its many services, the signal corrects this clock and keeps it in line.
There are people like me who don't want to know about
what time it is, or might be
, or is close to
. We want to know what time it *is*. 10:59 is not 11:00, nor is 10:59:30. Maybe it comes from all those years working in radio, where two seconds early or late make a big difference. One second is bad enough; two can be rotten.
(2) One of those Internet question things asks, "Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?" I use a lot of rubber cement and, believe me, it does. When you get to the bottom of the container, you do well to clean it out before refilling. It's a messy operation, as the dried glue has the consistency somewhere between "last day of flu greenie-snot" and "taffy pull." But clean it out you must and, in a few minutes, the sheet of paper you are dropping the stuff on looks pretty disgusting.
(3) Mom had some sayings. (a) "When you hear a siren, you know someone's day was just ruined." (b) After I did a real powerful sneeze, "Well, you did three things at once: you sneezed, blew your nose and washed the floor." (c) After finding out that an elderly relative and his occasional dinner companion had booked a cabin on a cruise ship, "They're pretty old; she won't yell, tell or swell."
(4) Pious People are always sending Pious Prayer Cards to other Pious People wishing that "God may grant you His choicest blessings." What happens to all those less-than-choice that end up laying around? Are the rest of us on the "B" list when it comes to being blessed? When we pray for help, do we get irregulars? Seconds? Mark-downs? Returns?
(5) I'm afraid to look under my bed; I might see some dust bunnies copulating. Isn't that where all the little dust bunnies come from? The Protestants, at the Reformation, ended up having Sects all over the place, which may answer the question as to why there are so many denominations.
(6) Why do we say that "What goes up must come down"? I hold that "Nothing can come down unless it has first gone up."
You know the song, "There'll be bluebirds over / The white cliffs of Dover." That's how the cliffs got white; all those bluebirds pooping on them.
Final piece of advice: Never marry a guy whose favorite joke starts with, "Pull my finger."